FOOD

As I have been trying to stuff my face (not very successfully) with fat and carbs for my second loading day, and going to the store to prepare my meals, I have had a little bit of anxiety about what I am about to embark on. Between that and my sister having a super rough day (she is on day 3 vlcd) I have been thinking a lot about food. But not in the way a fat person thinks about food.

A lot of times people will say "just eat healthy", "just stop eating crap!" "Don't eat so much" etc. etc. We have heard it all and told ourselves this even more than we have heard it. The thing about it is, its not just about food.

Food to me is:
Celebrations
Comfort
Relaxing
Activity
Family gatherings
Get togethers
Weekends
Vacations
Dates
Rewards
Punishment
Relief
Creativity
Happiness
Always there (seriously Walmart is open 24/7)
Convenient
Necessity

The list goes on and on. So for me, starting a diet isn't about just changing what I eat, It is changing how I live. It is changing how I handle things mentally and emotionally. It is changing my relationships with other people. There is a lot more that is going to change than just the way I eat. And for that, I have anxiety.

Not only do I need a drastic change in my weight, but I need a drastic change in my way of thinking. This is a huge step not only physically but also emotionally and mentally. And some days that will be the challenge. Not the fact that I really want a burger and fries, but the REASON that I want the burger and fries.

I think understanding this, is part of the reason that I am ready for this change. I also think understanding this, is what is going to make it work this time. That is what makes this time different. So bring it on. I can do 40 days. I am ready to make a complete change.

P.S. Todays weigh in 187.8 (that is not something I want to get used to. I guess it just means I did well at loading yesterday :) )

The Beginning...

 I haven't always been a big girl. In fact, I was pretty darn happy with myself until I hit the ripe old age of 22. Then it just went down hill....real fast!

I have gained 70 pounds in the last 5 years with the first 40 of those being within 18 months. I have the luxury of being a woman with PCOS. aka polycistic ovarian syndrome. Kinda sucks! This syndrome can not only cause you to gain weight, but also help you hang on tight to it (no matter what you do!)

So how many diets have I tried and failed at? lets see....weight watchers, medifast, some doctor bood work junk, protein diet by another doctor, eating right and exercising, and many more. Heck I even tried HCG once. It lasted about a day. So what is different now?

Well I hope alot of things cuz I am going to make it work this time. I feel like I am more determined and prepared for what lies ahead.

So here are my stats. I started with my first HCG injection this morning and on loading day 1. I am hoping to do 40 days. So far, the shot was a piece of cake! no pain at all! Problem is...I am not hungary.....Like, at all. How am I supposed to chow down on all my favorite foods when all I do when I think about them is get nauseous? Not quite sure. So I had mcdonalds for breakfast, and mcdonalds for lunch. (maybe that's the problem? hahaha) I am hoping I can squeeze some more food in tonight before bed. Maybe I will be more hungry tomorrow.

Starting weight: 186.4
I will post measurements later.  I did take pictures but....I am so not ready to post those. Maybe when I am starting to get a fabulous body and I don't have to claim this one to the world. We'll see.

Goals: lose 30 pounds? too drastic? I don't know. I am hoping to get down to between 115 and 120 after 2-3 rounds. I think it can happen.

Let the eating begin....again :)